a_black_mamba

a_black_mamba @ 2008-06-26T23:30:00

2008-06-27T03:34:57Z

We got him three days ago. He's a puggle. He is so cute he makes my heart burst.

In other news, I didn't purge for three days, and now my gag reflex is better than ever so I can puke soooo easily. It's a good and bad thing, depending on whether or not I feel like recovering hah.

oh my god.

2008-05-03T02:48:48Z

I like someone. I haven't felt this way in so long.

I like a girl! I've never liked a girl like this before.

She's amazing.

We went to a school dance tonight and I got to talk to her and stuff and she was so sweet and nice and looked me in the eyes a lot.

She was wearing make-up and this dress from free people and I couldn't stop looking at the perfection of her entirety.

And she is maybe bi. So maybe she could like me too?

I really liiiike her :(

a_black_mamba @ 2008-03-12T18:04:00

2008-03-12T22:11:58Z

sorry I disappeared!

we started conditioning for ultimate frisbee yesterday. everything hurts. I'm always the last person to finish during our runs and drills and stuff, but that's okay with me because as long as I'm putting in the effort it means I'm improving.

It's a satisfying feeling, soreness is. I mean my legs, my abs, everything is on fiya! It's great haha

hurts so goood :P

all these potential boy prospects kinda creeped up on me outa nowhere. funny how you think there's no one then all of a sudden the person you've been talking to all year turns into a potential hook-up/boyfriend.

what's strange is that the boy I USED to like but no longer want, has been popping up in my dreams lately. like..wha?! They're good dreams, believe me ;), but why would I dream about someone I'm no longer interested in and not the people I AM potentially interested in? ya know?

psychologist!

2008-01-26T00:40:38Z

so apparently, she's not just any old psychologist, but rather an eating disorder specialist. The appointment was..eh...we just chatted, I mean what do you expect the very first time though right?

I'm hoping this actually helps, that I can actually fucking recover. I want so badly to feel at peace with myself. I don't wanna be called sick or mentally disordered or anything.

It was weird going into such detail about my E.D. with a stranger, cause usually when I start talking about it with my friends they're like "ew ew STOP." and I get mad cause it's like "then why did you fucking ask me!?"

fwaaaa I want a boy. I've been hit by the stupid "I want someone" curse. Think I already talked about this in a previous post? Don't remember haha.

Like, I THOUGHT this boy liked me, but then he said a bunch of confusing things and now I'm quite positive he's not into me. Which sucks cause it could've been sooo good. We get along extreeeeeemely well.

Man, my family is downstairs laughing and having a jolly old time but me, I'm upstairs, and I have to go stick my head down the god damn toilet.

Recovery?

2008-01-23T01:09:06Z

The time to recover is drawing nearer and nearer (aka my psychologist appointments) and I'm not fucking ready. I'm still infatuated by bping and can't leave my scale for more than an hour at a time.

I'm feeling strange about Heath Ledger's death. I kind of can't believe it..like, I dunno I just wasn't expecting this at all. I wanna say he was just a celebrity, but they are fucking people as well, aren't they? I mean this isn't like someone I don't know at all dying, yet in a way it is..That's why I'm confused I guess. I mean I wouldn't be very upset if the person down the street that I don't know at all died, and I know Heath Ledger just about as well as I know that person. I know him through the media though, which changes things a bit..whatever. I should stop talking about this haha.

I want a boy. I know I shouldn't cause guys suck or whatever and girlpower!! yadda ya but I still want one!

should probably go practice piano, laterz.

a_black_mamba @ 2008-01-16T20:04:00

2008-01-17T01:09:34Z

my mother actually didn't let me down..she got me an appointment for next thursday. god damn, i'm so so so SO scared..and excited? not prepared really..i mean am i really ready to drop the bulimia?

ready..would I ever truly be 'ready' to get better? I mean what the fuck, now or never right?

my mom has to be with me for the first appointment. fuck. i don't want her to be a part of this. i mean she's the one who's like "Emma, I want to be more than just your mom, i wanna be your friend" and I really don't feel the same way. I don't want her to know me like my friends do, that's just not how a parent/child relationship should be...

is it?

a_black_mamba @ 2008-01-15T21:23:00

2008-01-16T02:29:51Z

My mother said she'd call to get me some professional help. I made her promise she wouldn't forget.

That was about 2 weeks ago and she hasn't mentioned anything. I'm way too fucking scared to bring it up. I told her I was getting better but that was the side of me that must lie and protect the holy bulimia *eye roll*.

I needed her to not let me down, I really did.

In other news, probably going away to a camp in San Diego for 5 weeks this summer so I'm extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely excited for that. Funny though how one main thing I'm excited about is the unlimited food at breakfast, lunch, and dinner...uh ohz! I think going away will help me recover though, and I'll be too embarrassed to get shitloads of food in front of everyone anyways.

Urgh, I'm like, sexually deprived, man. I haven't hooked up with a guy since, umm..AUGUST. What's up with that?!!

The whole 'sex can wait, masturbate!' thing is getting pretty tiresome lmao

okay I should really stop talking right about now. I should have stopped talking a while ago but oh well :-p

Life?

2008-01-14T03:05:46Z

Life, isn't it supposed to be interesting or something? I mean, I know life is what you make it, but what if you don't have the best materials to make it with..it seems like everything's backwards, man. for example:

there's this guy who really likes me, but I'm just not into him and it's not gonna happen. the backwards thing is, there's this guy that I really like, but I'm pretty sure he's not into me and so that's probably not gonna happen.

Funny how we just kinda run in circles, always wanting what we can't have.

and then when you do get what you want, you either don't want it anymore or you want something else after that! will someone please make me content with what I have?!? but oh, the real kicker of the big sha-bang is when you ALMOST get what you want. Expectations. Those are the worst. You're so close to it, and you're about to get something/someone, then you find out that "Oh, you thought my touching your knee was flirting? Sorry if I gave you that vibe.." or "Well, we know we said you'd get into this party, but it filled up, sorry!"

what the hell! come on, man, why'd you lead me on like that! It's easier to want and know you can't have then have that agonizing possibility linger over your head. Cause you get hopeful n shit and it usually doesn't work out.

man, this journal writing thing sure is therapeutic. ;)

useless rant ;)

2008-01-05T18:10:24Z

second journal post, although i deleted the first one for fear of someone from my school finding it and reading it or something hah.

i always used to think of new year's as a time to get a clean slate and just start over. i used to actually feel that something had been renewed from within me. this year, none of that. i'm still slightly sad, still lazy, still rather unremarkable haha. is something inside of us supposed to click so that we just all of a sudden change? i'm just waiting for this epiphany where i'll all of a sudden love my body and be nicer to my friends and eat healthier. so far, nothin...

i guess we all just have to learn to make changes on our own. there's never gonna be some huge defining moment, it just comes little by little, so that by the time you're finally better, you don't really notice it...